hello, world

I'm struggling a lot with even the concept of 'worth,' especially as it relates to me.

According to various people and agencies, my worth fluctuates between "$22 an hour" and "why are you still here? Shouldn't you be in the ground feeding the worms?" There is an ever-dwindling number in a bank account that tells me exactly how much I am worth, and it's up to me and my partner to work out how to use that number to sustain our family until it briefly bumps up a little bit once every two weeks.

One thing I've been trying (and largely failing) to remind myself is that these numbers are not reflective of who I am--if anything, they reflect what I do. Essentially these numbers are the collective response to people, corporations, and governments asking "how useful is this person to me? To what degree can I exploit this person for their utility to me?"

To me, human beings have inherent value (with the possible exceptions of those who trade it all for sociopathy, such as warmongers, bigots, and literally anyone who can still support the current American president or literally anything he stands for), and the fiat currencies of the world are essentially attempts to calculate the worth of someone, to assign a number to something that's too squishy and goopy and volatile and real to truly conjure a box that can fit such an artificial number, even if genuine consequences are attached to that artificial number. I can recognize this for everyone else, but for me, I feel constantly crushed under the weight of "how will I pay off this debt? How will my kids eat if I lose my job? I really, really hope I don't have to have any more surgeries. How long will my family live in an attic? Are we out of cat litter? Can I afford to drive to the office this week? Thank fuck I drive a Prius..."

I have a full-time job. It should be a good one, and is honestly far and away the best job I've ever had. It pays about as much as I make doing DoorDash, but with the luxury of someone else withholding my taxes for me, and it's more consistent, because I am paid by time. To the company for which I work, I am worth a little more than $22 per hour, and that's not likely going to change unless they decide I'm no longer worth that and fire me (Kentucky is an "at-will" employment state, meaning either employee or employer can terminate employment without notice).

But again, that's more what I can *do* for people rather than who I *am.*

I am only here today because I showed people who I am and they saw my worth, then responded with radical, unflinching kindness. I don't mean they gave me a dollar when I was panhandling on a street corner--I mean brave, lifechanging compassion. They adopted me. Brought me, a street rat from Chattanooga's enema insertion point, into their homes. Sponsored my education. Watched years of accelerated breakdowns I should have had in earlier childhood as it caught up with me as a teenager when I was finally in a safe environment and gave me space and pizza. Helped me work out, as best as they could, how to take care of myself and why I should. Crowdfunded (in 2004--well before the Internet was equipped to ask for more help outside of an intentional village) my trip to Japan and taught me Japanese. Taught me skills. Listened. Loved me. Still love me.

So I think I'll try to show all of you who I am. Maybe it'll be worth something to you, and maybe it won't, but it's simultaneously more and less than what I do, and if you're able and would like to throw a dollar here and there, I'll leave my information in each entry in a public journal I'll keep here and let you read.

I'm not going to give this any structure. Just going to let my heart bleed on blog pages on the internet. Some days you'll have a "this is how my day went" journal entry. Other days you'll have a silly picture I'll have drawn. Still other days you'll have poems and stories.

If you do feel like throwing money at this mess, here's a quick list of the debts and endeavors it'll go toward.

- student loans
- debt (mine and my partners' (I know where the apostrophe is, don't worry, I'll write about polyamory probably more than you'll want to read about it))
- car payment
- rent
- driving to see my partners (see? Already started on the polyamory thing!)
- time. If I can ever be a writer full-time, you'd be helping me buy the time I need to do it.

I want to do something that makes a difference and actually helps people. So much of my burnout right now is that nothing I do really, actually matters, outside of myself and my family, and it's eating at my spirit like bit rot in the brainmeats.

So maybe I can steal some time to try to *be* someone who makes a difference and actually helps people. If nothing else, maybe we can make each other not feel so alone... and maybe I can be a reason you smile for a moment.

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